These are two posts I made on Instagram last night @brenny_vanilla. They seemed to resonate with quite a few people so I thought I’d post them on here. If you haven’t already, please have a read and see what you reckon.
Sept 25: Not last Thursday but the one before I twisted my knee while play sparring at training and as it turns out I’ve torn my left ACL and will probably need a knee reconstruction.
Still digesting what it means for my life.
Doing my best to see the injury for what it really is.
Big changes ahead.
And more thoughts to come.
Sept 25: Continuing on from my last post (thanks), here’s a story that’s probably bigger than an Insta caption:
This ACL tear is the third injury I’ve had in the past 4 months, all of which occurred while doing very light work in the gym. Now you may not agree, but I don’t believe (within reason) that you tear muscles and tendons and stuff by doing things you’ve been doing every day for many years.
I’ve put myself through a lot of emotional and physical stress for a long time. My whole identity has been built on it. And despite a heap of successes, for a long time I have been struggling mentally.
I have been living with intermittent depression and anxiety. It’s almost like I’ve been in denial about it.
I have depressive episodes that last a day or a week but eventually subside if I do enough pull-ups and yoga. But they return.
In short, I have cracked. I can no longer handle the stresses. And the stresses are now manifesting themselves physically in my body.
The first two injuries (and a heap in the past) were signals telling me I need to change but I didn’t listen to them.
This torn ACL though is forcing the changes I’ve needed but neglected upon me.
While this injury is a hard pill to swallow and though it is intensifying a lot of what I’m experiencing at the moment, it is not the cause of my mental state.
My mental health struggle is longstanding and despite my position and what I advocate for, sadly I honestly have neglected my personal wellbeing.
It probably sounds like I’m whinging here but oh well, I probably am, I’m writing this for the sake of my @hermanshands and all of the special people who’ve supported me with it this year.
It’s got to the point where I am incapable of working on it at all. It still exists though and that’s all that really matters because that means it still has the power to facilitate change.
I will be back into it when I feel able again.
For now I am getting treatment for my mind and my knee and I hope to be able to share more about my journey through it soon.
Change is inevitable.
Love Brenny x