Feb 3: G’day champions.
I’m feeling the need to share some of what I’m experiencing and update those who’ve been following the journey.
I’m finally going under the knife for the ACL reconstruction surgery this Thursday, Feb 7th.
While I’m here I want to follow up on my post from September 25th.
I’ve now been seeing a therapist on a weekly basis for the past 17 weeks.
I’m going to struggle to explain the changes I’ve undergone in this Insta caption… (started writing this on Instagram)
To sum it up I’ll say that I’ve never felt so at home in my head and my body.
I am INCREDIBLY lucky to have found the right therapist for me.
I am so grateful to have met the great and powerful Tara Lal and to have read her book, ‘Standing on My Brother’s Shoulders’ and to have become friends with her and for her to have referred me to this therapist. I urge anyone, going through hardship or not, to get a copy of her book. It’s a f*cking GEM.
With my therapist’s help I have began learning new mechanisms which allow me to feel my emotions IN MY BODY as they occur and actually process them – which has nearly completely eradicated the anxiety that’s been haunting me for the most part of the past 10 years.
When I first entered the therapist’s office I didn’t understand that emotions were actually experienced in the body. For many reasons I believed that they were ‘thought’ and experienced in your head. I didn’t even consider that fact that maybe they’re called feelings for a reason… because you feel them, physically haha.
I was a wooden man.
I also learnt a small but invaluable piece of information – that ANXIETY IS THE MECHANISM WHICH PREVENTS US FROM FEELING.
If there is anxiety then that means there is feeling underneath. If you can experience the feeling in your body and look for what it’s telling you before thought and rumination ensues, then anxiety ceases to exist. (Note: this can be very painful).
At first I thought it was all too good to be true – that the solution to nearly all my problems was just too simple. But it’s been a pretty long time now and it hasn’t worn off.
I’ve said this in the past when I’ve sought help and now I’m saying it again – going to speak to this therapist (also trying a few therapists until I found the one for me) is the single greatest choice I’ve ever made. My therapist didn’t change my life, I did, but without him I wouldn’t have ever known how.
Since essentially ‘freeing’ myself FROM MYSELF, life has been good.
All of the random bullshit I post on my Insta stories is now actually sincere. I really do live that life. My days are filled with fun. I experience life in my body now – where it’s supposed to be experienced. Well I’ve started to!
I can experience my beautiful life here in Bondi for what it is now. BUT, if I want to truly become a feeling man and know truly get to know myself, I have a long, hard, probing journey into my past and my trauma still ahead. This is why I will choose to continue seeing my therapist no matter how good life gets. I’m not going to become complacent and wait until I hit rock bottom again to seek help from a councillor to support me in getting back to baseline.
Physically, as a result of this mental freedom, I’ve been able to started training for the love of it. For the feeling. The experience. I no longer use training to escape or punish myself. Sometimes I train 3 times a day and don’t even realise.
I’ve actually legitimately gained around 6kg’s, I’m starting to look like a man and my injuries aren’t affecting me anymore (which is unfortunate and sad because I have to get surgery… haha).
I’m finishing this long-ass piece of text with what I intended on writing about in the first place. I started writing here last night because I wanted to say that I’m scared about getting surgery in 3 days because my life, both mentally and physically, has never been better. I am really feeling myself for the first time in my life and I’ve been able to get back to working on the things I love (teaching Muay Thai and HERMAN’S HANDS!).
I fear the lifestyle changes surgery might create and I fear that I’m going to lose part of what I have.
But, I’m living by my mission statement – I’m creatin’ dialogue and in turn, people are helping me change my perspective.
Thanks for reading.
LIFE’S GOOD BABY.